Subject: None

The subject line says “None”; this word means little. But today it is conveying all kinds of meanings: nothing, nowhere, never, NO. Am I being unreasonable? Would I find it all silly a few years down the line?

A few years left to feel silly about what matters NOW? How can walking be possible without oxygen? And why is walking so important when one is unsure about the destination? Is streamlining a potholed road more crucial than breathing? If I cannot accept the duality in this, I would not say I refuse to take a decision. For me that is the decision.

I never ask people to make choices when I know that the thing to be chosen is on par with something else. That would be unfair. I also refrain from doing so on emotive grounds, for I know I am a bundle of nerves. But when it is a matter of self-respect and principles (and they would well be my limited concept of it), I do not compromise. For me that which is precious does not come with a price. My emotions are not an income-generating scheme. Alas. I remember once telling a doctor friend that when people are dying they do not think of their achievements, the money they earned, the cars, the property…they think about those they love, those they want near them. It won’t be their bosses, their juniors, their colleagues, their business associates.

The only stability in life is feeling emotionally complete with those close to you and making them feel the same. All else is traffic. These are my thoughts. I know that different people think differently, react differently. For me even in the closest relationship (in fact more so in the closest of relationships) there is no place for choices.

I was told the other day that anger and worrying are not good for me. When you stab someone you don’ tell them that wounds are not good for them. I get offended when everything I say or do is attributed to being too emotional. Don’t I have any intelligence, principles, ideology, values, dignity?

Only because I won’t compromise on a matter that will not shake anyone’s citadel does not mean that I am discarding anyone. I am used to making my home with a pack of cards. And I don’t see whether it is an Ace, or a King, or a Joker…I just make sure they are propped up. And when they fall, they don’t become useless. I can play with them.

Just another gamble.