My eunuch self

I was eleven when a trickle of blood made its way down my thighs. I knew what it was…Something else bothered me. I was now a woman. But I could not see any breasts. I touched the chest and found almost nothing I could boast about.

It was disturbing me.

Eunuchs used to visit houses to bless people and we seemed to have a lot of their blessings. Once when I was even younger and my little cousin was born, they landed up. I was frightened, so I took my cousin, barely able to hold him, and hid him under the bed. It is such a powerful memory because everyone was worried.

Later, I learned to be less afraid and then after a marriage when they came over I even danced with them. They had peculiar movements and I tried to follow. No one seemed to mind because they were nice. I remember Bimla, particularly.

So, at eleven when the breasts did not appear, I started leafing through magazines and found pages of classifieds where boob-enhancing creams were advertised. They were expensive and obviously I had no money. One day, I said to myself I would buy those. Meanwhile, I would pick up whichever female’s bra was drying and wear it, stuffing it with cotton. I’d watch myself in the mirror in profile.

However, nothing was happening. In this state of extreme depression, I went to my mother and said, “I think I am a hijra.”

“Kya?(What?)”

“Haan, sab auraton ke paas hai…(All women have them)”

“Tum aurat nahin ho. (You are not a woman)”

“Wohi tau. I am a hijra. (Exactly. I am a eunuch)”

“Don’t talk like this. You are too young.”

With time things did happen, but the fascination with eunuchs remained. I was particularly interested in the fact they had no sexual organs. At that time, it meant no orifice to my mind, which meant they did not have to pee and crap…yes I thought it was a ‘no hole’ situation.

That was freedom for me.

Independence means different things to different people…